Shutter Island, "Scorsese's Worst And Midgets Are Our Only Hope"

"...pretty sure I just saw a lolcat back there..."

When I see a trailer more than three times in the theater the movie is destined to be awful. Maybe the motion picture cosmos is trying to warn me of The Lovely Bones' lack of direction or Transformers II's lack of everything. What if this was all blind luck? Shutter Island could have been a great movie had it not been for me -- a dumb, twenty-something residing in the Mid-West. Celluloid mysticism or not, Martin Scorsese said, "Ha!" to conventional thought and the general public's attention span suffered. Watch Leonardo DiCaprio yell passionately at glassy-eyed extras with the hope of saving this stillborn of a disaster.

Not since Gangs Of New York has director, we will only call him "The Scorsese" -- it captures his vanity succinctly, produced such a steaming pile of cinematic turdity. The Scorsese and DiCaprio in a 1950's mystery set movie in an insane asylum. Where do I sign up? Oh wait. You have a trailer that gives away the one key plot twist? Well that's cool, I mean the movie can't be that bad. Supporting stars like: Michelle Williams, Mark Ruffalo and the white Samuel L. Jackson, Sir Ben Kingsley, help set the stage for what can only be described as the newest level of movie hell since Battlefield Earth. Don't let Rottentomatoes.com fool you -- don't let me fool you either. Go and see Shutter Island and fight every impulse to eat a plastic bag of thumb tacks as a means for that pain to remind you, that you are still alive to see and suffer what constitutes as entertainment. Shutter Island is proof that Satan exists and is intent on showing us a sneak preview of his many tortuous instruments.

"The Ties Are Awful. We Need To Get Out Of This Plot...I Mean This Room! The Room!"

Maybe I'm coming at this review from the wrong angle. There are many fans of The Scorsese and DiCaprio who will defend Shutter Island, but watching this film is an admission of support of the killing of midgets. Think about it. Do you really want to contribute to the mass midgicide that already plagues this nation and many others? What did they do to us besides be an adorable people? Note: If you are a midget or of midget descent, then find an incredibly large bowl to put your over-sized head in. Shame on any midget that would go see such a wretched movie. You should really be more sensitive to your people.

Shutter Island surprisingly is beautifully shot when The Scorsese isn't jerking the camera around in a drunken 'Hail Beelzebub' kind of way. Not bad for a movie running two hours and fourteen minutes while being dedicated to subversively hating midgets. Now I know what you're thinking, "I'm blind, I just want to listen to the movie on account of me not having eyeballs." Congratulations, you Satan worshipping anti-midgite. As if it weren't enough to sit through poorly edited scenes of DiCaprio climbing every step in a lighthouse. The Scorsese invokes the dulcet tones of the Dark Lord with a score that competes with itself in both annoyance level and length. Shutter Island is torture for all senses.

"You Know What I Hate? Midgets!"

Imagine a world where a director films his own feces and calls it art. This is the same world that hurts the vertically challenged and the albinos that love them. Don't we deserve better? the actors in Shutter Island didn't know that their passable performances would do little when under the watchful claw of the editor. I'm sure the actors as well as the audience wouldn't come to the conclusion that this was an unholy sign from the cosmos. Retreat underground. Remember the good movies you watched as a youth. Prepare for the day of judgment. I Give Shutter Island...

Note: The Man With The Dirty Pants

The "Midget Love Is The Way Of The Future" Award