Review: Sorority Row, "Where Women Can't Break Glass"
Saturday, September 12, 2009 at 6:18PM 
The good thing about Sorority Row is that it captures the B-movie charm and nostalgia of the original, The House On Sorority Row. The bad would be that it captures everything wrong with the original piled on with today's typical slasher flick nuances.
When life gives you women who can not seem to find shirts to cover their always greased up breasts, you make lemonade. Director Stewart Hendler, who you may know from nothing because up until now he's done films of even lesser quality than this, fronts this playful romp through Plot Hole City. You know you are not watching a Shakespearean play when women are being killed under a thick veil of techno-music and soap foam.
But you did not go to see Sorority Row for Shakespeare. You go to watch dumb people get killed as a result of their very dumb actions. The movie trailer leaves nothing to be desired except for a slightly convoluted plot twist. See there are these five reasonably not-so-unattractive women, the reasonable is for Rumer Willis' overacting and Leno-esque chin. They decide to play a prank on a sorority sister's boyfriend which involves sex, foaming at the mouth and wrapping up their 'in on it' sorority sister in a rug, with the intention of burying her. Isn't that hilarious!
Unfortunately [and fortunately for the sake of this movie], things do not go as planned and the distraught boyfriend [a.k.a. Quick Draw McTire Iron] along with the remaining five soros are responsible for their newly stabbed in the chest friend. They all decide that education comes first, and telling the proper authorities will only muck up their futures. All but one sister is cool with this, the eventual heroine of the film, Cassidy played by Briana Evigan. She actually is one of the more realistic characters in the movie, but this is compared to the likes of women named "Chugs" who is known for high acts of promiscuity and also a young lady *spoiler zone* who suffers from one of the better death scenes in Sorority Row*spoiler zone*. Cassidy says everything the viewer is thinking, you know logical things. The supporting cast shoots her down and threatens to blackmail her with bad acting and mind bendingly stupid acts that can only exist in a horror movie. Figuratively speaking.
Once a couple months go by you begin to realize, man do these twenty-somethings look 30. The head madam, I mean president of the Theta Pis [pronounced "pies" and I'm sure there is no sexual innuendo to be had there.] Jessica, played by Leah Pipes, is the supposed 'meanest bitch on the planet' who was more than willing to let a mysteriously murdered sorority sister go missing with little investigative effort on her part. She is dating the son of an uppity senator; who consistently has to chastize Jessica on always having friends that occasionally die in horrific situations. Total catch Jessica! If Cassidy is the Summer, Jessica is definitely the winter. I liked Jessica, she was funny.
The movie actually is pretty fun if you can get past a couple of glaring issues. The killer always seems to have these fancy tire iron knife weapons. Not a big deal? Have you ever carried a tire iron? Imagine carrying enough to massacre an entire [pun] sorority house with brodeo boyfriends included. When you watch Sorority Row you realize the killer is the son of both Batman and a jedi. The killer has the ability to be in multiple places at once, rarely misses with this weapon that never existed until it was manufactured by this serial killers extra-murdery hands.
Women are more than willing to A)Be in their bras while a serial killer has been identified as on the property. B) When the situation gets hot and the killer is in close proximity, women will never be able to break a window or glass of any kind. C) Carrie Fisher will show up and in true Princess Leia form, lay down the law [seriously, that was pretty awesome]. Sorority Row will continue the tradition of...well...I really do not know. Working at a rental store I can tell you the majority of people who watch the original 80's Sorority Row-type movies are men in fraternitiesand women in sororities. Congrats Sorority Row remake, you have graduated to quite the esteemed genre...
The 'Rent It For My Sleepover' Genre
Reader Comments (3)
I'm going to comment on this review just because of it's sad, lonely, uncommentedness. I guess that's probably because the average person who reads well written blogs is like "What's that? Sorority Row is silly, cliched nonsense? No way! What? The sky tends to be bright shades of blue during the daytime? The devil you say!"
Still, fun review. Thank you for taking this cinematic bullet to entertain the masses.
I only ask that you heed my advice and tell others.
this is the 80's classic right? because I don't know if someone can do a remake of this movie, the true is that movie is too bad, is the typical movie in where women are used like a bait for a murder that surely is one of they, the producers of the original movie surely never have the chance to test and make a better movie.