Transformers: America's Movie

If You Look Close Enough, You Can Still The Lip Gloss It is quite clear Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen is America's movie. The movie is huge [in many respects], tons of things happen with very little reasonable explaination; even under the guise that this is 'a movie about robots'. More importantly, the viewer must accept the fact that the this Transformers movie will in some way be entertaining and tie-in [plot wise] to the previous effort. With standards low, and a large cry from the general public saying, "Just turn your brain off and enjoy". How is it possible that a movie so incredibly racist, chauvinistic and rife with some of the worst [I shutter to say] acting, lack the one element most people come to see in a Transformer movie? Entertainment. 

Michael Bay, helms the ship of broken nerd dreams.  As director of both Transformer movies, Bay has decided to make a bad thing worse.  If the whirly-gig camera movement Bay perfected, yet never improved upon since Bad Boys isn't gag-inducing enough for you; his portrayal of a 'tough woman' and 'reluctant hero' will have you wretching for two hours plus.  But you already know Bay is a one-dimensional director. If this was unknown then you probably would not be reading this review.  This review is taking into account that you already know Tranformers 2 is being panned, it is also taking into account that the movie is making enough money to supply Megan Fox with enough lip gloss for her next two movies [trust me...its a lot of money].

The Adventures Of Bumble Bee Movie 2013 Count On It

The acting the audience does not come for, Americans want to see stuff they know.  One of which is the dehumanization of people 'not them'.  Look, it is clear why 'the racism thing' involving Skids and Mudflap blew over. It was not because Bey saw the character depth, both Reno Wilson and Tom Kenny where infusing into their 'jive talking' robotic onscreen personas.  There was no filter.  Everyone portrayed in Transformers is given the mechanical shaft [now with 235 moving parts]. It is not for lack of trying to make a blockbuster that Bay completely misses the mark in this sequel.  When watching this steaming pile of offensiveness your brain will literally switch to the 'white noise channel'.  The plot is easily glossed over for an even trade of beautifully depicted shards of metalic parts flying in no particular direction. This is not to say that watching Transformers will make one stupider or less intelligent for me to prove that it would take funds of a Micheal-Bay-summer-blockbuster caliber.

Let me humor you with the story of Transformers, Shia LeBeouf again plays Sam Witwicky an 18 year-old who is ready to go to college [which apparently only takes one car ride across the states and no change of clothes]. Realizing a shard of the stuff that formed the plot of the first movie was in his pocket, Sam decides to tell his girlfrend, Mikaela Banes; played by Megan "is this enough lip gloss" Fox, to hold on to the highly volitile fragment for no reason only for your amusement.  A plot is created somewhere, space travel is involved and low and behold we have transformers after good ole Sammy again.

You know why you heard so much about the racist robots issue in this Transformers? Out of everything awful in this movie, that was the easiest black eye to write about. No one talks about the Africans being squished like grapes at the beginning of the movie, this could be seen as 'vital background' for the plot.  No one talks about how Megan Fox properly adjusts a motorcycle's speedometer in her first scene by making sure her back is arched as much as possible.  Shia LeBeouf literally seizures his way through the latter half of the movie by channeling some down syndrome version of Woody Allen.

I think Tyrese was in this movie. There are soldiers who shoot at stuff.  The robots throw around words like 'asshole' and 'pussy' to make you, the viewer, realize the edgyness and PG-13ness of the Transformers.  Speaking of the sphincter, there is a scene where Sam has a new romantic interest, not to be denied, Alice decides to tame him with some foreign probe that exits her rear-end. Classy Bey, Classy.  However if you are a parent or someone with basic taste, you will be turned off...TO THE EXTREME!

Don't Blink, You Will Miss One Of Tyrese's 8 lines

It is sad to see Tuturro in this, but at least he's getting a fat check for all of the other solid features the public may have missed.  Sam's parents in the movie get high, no reason at all.

You will feel your brain turn into a smooth mush.  You will try to make sense of one of the worst screen plays of the year.  You may feel your heart slow to a possible stop. You know what that is?  That's America. Barring the release of this years Harry Potter, Transformers will more than likely be the highest grossing movie of the year. Revenge of the Fallen is America's movie.  Its action is high in sugar leaving you really depressed once you come down off of your high.  The movie is filled with artery clogging cholesterol for dialogue. It's sad...really.

Moment of truth, what do I give Transformers?  If you have not noticed by now, this review is horribly edited. It is long, that whole 'Tyrese paragraph' could have been cut altogether.  There are run-on sentences and for the most part I wrote in a passive voice for the latter half of this review.  Worse off, I'm not sorry and I am not changing a thing. Why? Because this review is....

A TRANSFORMER!

Comments

[Alphonse]

you know I don't want to be rude, but this movie suck, ok I said it yes, suck, to my personal opinion is a total piece of crap, I just can watch 25 minutes before turn off my DVD player and go for some beers, and now the worst and best part of this movie, the horrible acting made by Megan Fox, the best, the Megan's motorcycle scenes.