"There is no hope." I whispered in my girlfriend's ear. As we waited in the surprisingly long line for Tim Burton's Alice In Wonderland in a 3D IMAX theater. We listened to the teenage pregnant couple banter about the pleasantries of pickles and peanut butter. The group ahead of us are discovering clever ways of wearing their $1.50 3D glasses. Sprinkled throughout this middle-America convoy are young ladies dressed up in outfits "loosely" based on characters in the movie. These outfits would leave more to the imagination than the visually stunning, but emotionally empty plot of Burton's Alice.
Upon cleaning my 3D shades a third time, I noticed that the quality of the glasses usually dictates the quality of the 3D tech used in the movie. "What are these, Blue Blockers?" I muttered. Picking an isle seat was always a great tactic to avoid the mouth-breathing opinions of our new neighbors, but would prove to be an awful angle for viewing gimmicky 3D that would prove a lower grade than 'the movie with the blue people'. Prior to the start of Alice our eyes are pre-assaulted with 3D trailers of 3D movies. Hollywood, we get it; your childrens' stories and action movies will drag families away from their home theaters and prevent piracy. I watched six trailers, all of which were either remakes, sequels or based on childrens' books. There is no hope.
"Alice In Wonderland" starts, but due to a Dante's Inferno-style trailer hell, I noticed a faint pain just-behind my pupils and a small pinched bundle of nerves in my frontal lobe [odd seeing as vision is processed in the rear of the brain]. My girlfriend's face shows concern. "I don't remember this happening during Avatar." I sharply whispered. Fighting off a distant buzzing in my cerebral cortex, I am impressed with the 'real' pretend world Alice [Mia Wasikowska] inhabits. The characters and wardrobe are interesting. It was intriguing to see Alice return back to Wonderland, though there is no illustrative background given. Throughout the rest of the film we have to assume the kind of relationships Alice may have had with the White Queen [Anne Hathaway], The Mad Hatter [Johnny Depp] and even the Red Queen [Helena Bonham Carter].
Had it not been for the amazing cinematography and special effects, Alice In Wonderland would be unsalvageable. I began nodding off once Anne Hathaway's White Queen and Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter began competing for the, "Who can be the best over-actor" award. Helena Bonham Carter as the Red Queen only becomes annoying after yelling, "Off with his head" repeatedly only for my sleepy head to be lopped off in my quick in-theater nightmare. I nod and wake-up and see Alice fighting a Jabberwocky. I have no attachment to this movie. Alice In Wonderland's 3D gimmicks and an unsurprising cast are overshadowed by computer generated, personality-filled furry beings. Burton could have been darker with this world -- an odd thing to say considering dark is his forte. The Mad Hatter's yellow-eyed mood swings could have been expounded upon, but this movie isn't intended to draw the viewer in. No matter how three-dimensional we see this beautifully imagined world, the characters in it only serve to provide a mediocre story to an audience that bays for mediocrity. "There is no hope." If you don't understand where that notion comes from, then this review wasn't meant for your eyes.
I Give Burton's Alice In Wonderland
The "Buscemi Stare Of Death" Award