It's Not The Uninvited...I Promise!
This is the worse movie I have seen in 2009. Granted we are only two weeks into the year and I have only seen one other movie in this year [Milk...review to come soon...still brewing]. Be that as it may, the Unborn is by far one of the worse movies, absolutely-laughably awful theatrical releases I have seen in quite sometime. Fortunately, the rest of this review will cover the 'hilarious' aspects of this terrible feature. Its all about pointing out the silver linings...I still have no idea what I will award this flick.
Seconds later: Gratuitous Camel Toe
Within the past 6 weeks I have seen a great deal of 'heavies'. Where Milk being the most recent, prior to that Slumdog, prior to that Let The Right On In and so on. So I kinda needed a bit of a palette cleanser in The Unborn. The fear in going to see a movie like this, under the pretenses that I did would be that you stand a good chance of this movie being 'too terrible'. Fear not terrible movie goer, The Unborn delivers in every way imaginable! This movie has young guy [singular] and girls [plural] who will eventually strip down to next to nothing right when there is a tense moment...for absolutely no reason.
In ya medicine cabinet...eating ya pillz...
Before we go further into this beautiful train wreck, let me throw some stats at ya. The Unborn is short less than an hour and a half I think [I hope]. For some reason Commissioner Gordon from Batman & Stringer Bell from the Wire are in this movie [hey guys...I know you got bills to pay...this is just that 'meantime in between time money'], they do the best they can. Gary Oldman plays a rabbi who has to eventually *SPOILERS* blow a bejeweled horn in order to rid the world of a zombie ghost child who's spirit has survived the Jewish holocaust. There is a scene of Nazi doctors experimenting on children in this movie [how are you not sold already?]. Folks...none of what was in the previous sentence was a joke. The zombie ghost child has the ability to possess anyone who doesn't believe in 'dybbuks', which are apparently born in pairs [twins] and seeing as dybbuks is such a popular term in this movie with made up rules...its a mystery as to why and how people keep getting all possessed and stuff.
Idris Elba plays a priest with an accent you can't quite peg [much like Oldman's], but when he and other extraneous characters are introduced; you the viewer, instantly know the clock is ticking on their characters Death Clock.
The best way to climb stairs
The Unborn is rife with cheap scares, so you will jump a couple times, but immediately afterwards you will be so disappointed in yourself for doing so. Keep your eye on a carny-looking child riding a Big Wheel, one of the most ridiculous and hilarious scenes in the flick. This is possibly one of the worse [grammatically] reviews I have ever written, but this movie deserves it. Every run-on sentence and over used word is representative of how incredibly terrible this movie truly is. Be that as it may, if you want to pass on the Doubt's, Gran Torino's, Milk's and Wrestler's of this Oscar season, then give The Unborn a shot, but keep this scene in mind: *SPOILERS* There is a scene where the 'carny child' reveals to Megan Good's character [yea...she's in it too] that "Jumby wants to be born" prior to stabbing her. With this bit of info you know that not only is the protagonist, Jumby not a hidden character with a big reveal at the end, but his name is f*@king Jumby!
The Unborn has earned its title:
Zombie Baby Eating A Piece Of Heart